Objective: We’d like to increase the duration for which men listen to women. Jumping off the success of YouTube’s ad model, we will require men to listen to women speak for at least five seconds before they skip ahead to content featuring other men, themselves, or animals. After five seconds, if the woman has failed to make an impression, the man is perfectly within his rights to interrupt her. We are even offering a Skip Woman button to make this process smoother.
Existing Research: Our primary test case for this project has been YouTube. That Web site requires users to watch at least five seconds of an ad before skipping to the main video. YouTube executives have reported that this has yielded an annual increase in profit of hundreds of millions of dollars, mostly for skin-care companies that save women from the life-threatening effects of under-eye bags.
Benefits: While our main objective is to make money, we foresee several other benefits. On YouTube, many companies have started to fit their whole ad into five seconds. We hope that with this new system in place, women will likewise be inspired to condense their messages to five seconds. Just imagine—female professors could give their entire lectures in five seconds! Female doctors will deliver five-second cancer diagnoses! We also anticipate that a few men, after listening to the first five seconds, will elect to hear the entirety of what the woman has to say. This means that if a woman comes up with the cure for AIDS, there’s a slight chance that a man will actually listen to her say it. Profits abound!
Incentives for Men: We do worry that men might not initially feel compelled to comply, but we feel that we can provide the correct incentives. For example, if a man listens to his wife speak for five seconds, he might find out that the toilet upstairs is clogged, thereby saving him the trouble of having to walk back downstairs to ask her to unclog it. Similarly, a female co-worker might want to tell a man that there are doughnuts in the break room, but, if he cuts her off after just one second, he’ll only hear “there are doughnuts” and could waste hours looking for them. We believe that by framing this issue around what’s best for men, we will be able to bring them on board.
Execution: We hired Megan Fox to be the face of our campaign. And the body. For obvious reasons. She will appear on several male-dominated sites including reddit.com and https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump, demonstrating how to use the Skip Woman button. After we’ve got the word out, the Skip Woman button will be available to any man who can prove that he’s a man by yelling “I’m a man!” while beating his chest.
Management Team: Our management team is made up exclusively of men, as should be clear from the fact that this presentation has taken much longer than five seconds.
Qualifications: Did you not read that we were all men?
Illustrations: We read that this is an important component of a business proposal, so please enjoy this drawing I made of a yellow frog.
Additional Considerations: We do anticipate backlash from extremist feminist organizations such as the group of people who identify as “women.” Fortunately, we do have Megan Fox as our spokesperson, which should mitigate these concerns. Once the world hears five seconds of her sweet body, we expect everyone to get on board.
More Info: newyorker.com