There are a lot of positives to having a kid – love, family, blah blah blah. It’s mostly boring touchy-feely stuff that everyone already knows and doesn’t really care about. But there are other HIDDEN benefits to having a kid that parents all know about but never tell anyone – and here’s what they are:
1. Built in excuse for getting out of anything ever
“Sorry, can’t make it to that amateur improv show that has a $10 cover for some reason – I gotta watch the kids!”
Kids are the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free cards – and that’s not just a metaphor, you can actually get reduced sentencing if you’re the guardian of a child – but let’s stick with the metaphor version. While having kids will inevitably make you less able to go out with friends, they also can get you out of pretty much any obligation you don’t feel like attending – and NO ONE WILL QUESTION IT OR GIVE YOU ANY GUFF ABOUT IT. Don’t want to go to a friend’s improv show? Say you’ve gotta take care of your kid. Don’t want to a party for that old co-worker you barely know but feel obligated to attend? Say your babysitter canceled – even if you never booked one to begin with.
And the best part of all is that you can really get out of ANYTHING – don’t feel like going to work, but also don’t want to have to fake being sick? Just say YOUR KID is sick and you have to take care of them. That way you won’t have to fake a cough at work the next day, but you still get to chill at home. Win-win.
2. Cool excuse to see kiddie movies your partner was kinda lukewarm about
Here’s the thing: Storks is PRETTY GOOD. But if you didn’t have a kid, it might be kinda tough to get any of your friends or even your spouse to agree to spend actual money and taking actual time to go see Storks in theaters. Most people will be pretty game to see anything from Disney or Pixar, but the off-brand CG animated movies that are extremely hit-and-miss (like Storks)? Unlikely. However, when you’ve got a little kid who is in constant need of entertainment (and the movie theater is a good way of keeping a kid occupied without much effort for a few hours), you’re willing to head to the movie theater for anything animated.
And that means you get to see Storks – which, again, is PRETTY GOOD. For real, it’s way better than it’s crummy title and premise would suggest. Hell, it even has one of the most inclusive and progressive sequences I’ve EVER seen in an animated film – this scene that closes out the film, showing storks delivering babies to every type of family imaginable and underlining the message that families are about love, not some established societal template:
But, realistically, the only way you’re gonna convince anyone to go to the theater with you to see movies like Storks is if you’re ostensibly doing it for your kid.
3. Guaranteed like-city on all Facebook posts about your kid
Kids are a never-ending mine of instantly-successful social media posts. If your mood is entirely dependent on your perceived popularity on social media (e.g. literally everyone under 40 years old), there’s honestly nothing as great as having a kid. Pictures of your kid doing something cute? LIKE-CITY HERE WE COME. Video of your kid doing something cute and/or event-y (e.g. first time walking, first time talking, first time lip-syncing to every song in Frozen)? 100 likes MINIMUM (and maybe even some shares). Hell, even STORIES about your kid doing something sweet or adorable means you’re gonna be soaring through like-heaven for a while.
4. Proof you’ve had sex at least once
Hell, even if you’ve adopted, people will assume you TRIED conceiving naturally but were unable to, meaning you probably had sex MULTIPLE TIMES.
5. Instant in with literally every other parent on planet Earth
At a party with a bunch of people you don’t know that well? Stuck at work event with your co-workers who you have basically nothing in common with and nothing to talk about? At a family gathering where no one wants to talk about your thoughts on the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Small talk at these times are no longer limited to saying “Some weather, huh?” or “Have you watched Stranger Things? You’d love it.” – because now you can commiserate with literally anyone who has a kid.
It’ll start easy – talk about your respective kid’s ages, what they’re up to, the silly/adorable thing they just did, maybe sharing a few photos from your phone (which is filled with literally nothing but photos of your child), and then you and whoever you’re talking to are set forever. No more awkward silences and no more stretching to find any topic of conversation. You’ve got kids, and that’s enough.
Of course, everyone who DOESN’T have kids will mysteriously want to stop being around you at parties, but that’s just part of the deal. Hopefully the other parent you’re talking with also has very strong opinions on the friendship between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes once you’ve exhausted all the kid-talk you have in you.
More Info: collegehumor.com