I will never forget you, but I will let you go.
Slowly but surely, I will loosen my grip on the idea of us, of we. I will drop all the notions of a future, those shards of hope that you and I would ever become something real. I will watch those promises of a tomorrow flutter away in the breeze of yesterday, piece by piece, moment by moment, tear by tear.
And I will break free.
I will untie the binds that kept me from loving myself because you could not love me the way I needed. I will undo the lock that kept me chained up in the beautiful chaos that was you. I will throw away the key. I will wipe my hands clean, clear of the dust of promise, and walk away. Battered and bruised, yes, not unscathed, scarred and defeated, but still standing on my own two feet.
This is me finally letting you go.
And all of this is not to say that I will not remember you. No. I know I will. You were, and still are, far too important to me. You healed me and loved me and completely and utterly broke me. That is not a stain that comes out in the wash, not a scab that heals after a few days.
It is the kind of lonely love leaves a burning indent on your heart.
I acknowledge and accept that you are going to stop by my mind from time to time. And during these visits, it might hurt. It might make me smile. And to be honest, it might not make me feel anything at all. But the point is this:
I will remember you, and still carry on.
I will appreciate what we were, what we were not, and what you taught me. I will miss you. I will not miss you. I will be relieved it is over. I will long for it to start again. It is a journey, letting go. But this is truly the only way to become free. And if trusting the free fall is my only chance, then I am willing to take that jump. I am done dancing on the ledge of what’s comfortable and finally ready to completely dive into the ocean of uncertainty, even though that means you are not coming with me.
But most importantly, this is my official declaration to myself that I will never again let someone else keep hold of me. From now on, I am my own. Free falling, uncertain, terrified, hurting, healing, but only belonging to me.
And I would not have it any other way.
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