Take a stroll through any one of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey’s city streets and you’ll be within a stone’s throw of a penis. That’s probably true for any city, sure, but Ubisoft’s vivid recreation of ancient Greece doesn’t censor the artistic expression of that era. Its cities and temples are adorned with studly marble statues of naked men letting their business hang out for all the world to see. Hell, even the backwater island of Kephalonnia sits in the shadow of one such godly weiner.
Though Odyssey often reuses these same statues across its various locales, I’ve toured from Macedonia to Pephka looking for every notable donger I can find for one sole purpose: rating them from best to worst.
Warning: In case it wasn’t obvious, this article contains a lot of penises.
And if you want a closer look, click the icon in the top-right corner of each image.
I’ve seen a lot of penises in my lifetime, but this one is by far the worst. The artistry here is laughably bad: There’s barely any definition, and this poor soul appears to be lacking gonads—a crucial component of any johnson. Considering this particular statue is found on every major temple in the Mediterranean, this crude, anatomically insufficient penis is a horrific disappointment that the entire Greek world should feel embarrassed about.
It’s fitting that this statue can be found right next to the previous one, because together they form the most disappointing pair of wangs in the Aegean Sea. This statue gets a few extra points, though, because the detail is slightly more pronounced. But why is it so pointy? You could cut yourself on that thing if you weren’t careful. And again, I ask, where are the testicles? It’s a shame too, because this guy’s stance does a great job of drawing your eye to the prize, but anyone who gazes upon this willy is anything but a winner.
This warrior stands slightly above his nearby competition only because his package is anatomically correct. There’s still a lot to be desired, though, and the lack of detail makes this dink look like Beaker’s nose. Despite having a complete package, this dong is still fatally underwhelming—no wonder that other statue is trying to put him out of his misery.
While this competition is fundamentally about just the artistry in these statued ding-a-lings, this one gets some extra points for creativity. The fact that this guy has two snakes for legs but still possesses a human penis leaves me with a lot of questions, and I cannot help but think there must be some kind of statement to be made when considering the contrast between the two. Unfortunately, this statue still loses a lot of marks because the most impressive snake on your body should never be your legs.
Okay seriously, what the hell was up with Greek artists and their obsession with snake legs? Why are we idolizing these people that suffer from what is very obviously a horrific condition? Just so we’re clear, I’m not giving bonus points because there is two of them, but even I have to admit there’s a nice bit of detail here—particularly in the shape of the scrotum.
This statue makes it clear that Poseidon was pretty insecure about his body. The enormity of his trident makes his other spear seem a little underwhelming, despite still being the size of a car. Still, who am I to judge? It’s anatomically correct and even features a little pubic hair without making the whole thing look ghastly. But if you’re working with this much material, is it too much to ask to spend a little extra time adding definition instead of just smashing phallic clumps of bronze together and calling it a day?
Fortunately, this other statue of Poseidon is much better. His scrotum is properly shaped and I also think the use of stone over bronze was a great choice since it really enhances the ruggedness of Poseidon’s physique and his trident doesn’t overshadow what matters here: The giant stone dong of a god.
Finally! A respectable penis! This statue, found in the Sanctuary of Delphi, isn’t extraordinary by any means but it wins points for detail, size, and for being anatomically correct. Here, we can see the artist actually attempted to carve out some pubic hair. I appreciate the extra effort, but the end result is something that resembles Medusa’s hair. It’s kind of off-putting to say the least. At the end of the day, though, the detail on the foreskin is undeniably impressive.
This statue also gets bonus points because, nearby, I found a tranquil garden circumscribed by dozens of the same statue. It’s the perfect place to enjoy some lovely conversation.
I respect the effort here. Technically this guy has everything you could want in a penis but the way it’s arranged is dreadful. I’m torn, honestly, because in setting out on this adventure I wanted to showcase the most glorious penises (penii?) of the Greek world. This penis isn’t glorious, but I can’t help but feel like that was the artist’s intent all along. Instead of standing triumphantly with his business hanging out for all the world to see, he’s hunched over, almost concealing it from onlookers. It’s subversive and controversial. I like it. I like it a lot.
By Zeus’ beard, would you look at that thing? Size normally doesn’t matter, but in this case this penis is so large it deserves extra points. What sets this dick apart from the others is its functionality—this is the only penis in the Mediterranean that I can hang off of. And, even better, you can find it within the first five minutes of starting the game. Even though the statue is crudely carved out of stone there’s still an impressive level of detail. I mean, just look at how the foreskin is shaped. At the end of the day, this dong stands head and shoulders above the rest. It’s enormous, well-made, and the fact that you can dangle from it like some kind of adults-only Cirque du Soleil performer makes it one of the most impressive pieces of junk in all the Greek world.
I’m giving this penis our Editor’s Choice Award and I think it’s obvious why. Despite not being as large as other penises on this list, the artistry here is exquisite. For one, this is the only naked man-statue I found that was properly painted, which gives the whole thing a very lifelike appearance. I also respect that the artist even colored the pubic hair, even if the actual carving of it isn’t the most detailed. Sometimes less is more. What really counts, however, is the immaculate shape of the testicles along with the subtle definition of the shaft. The best thing I can say about this is that, yup, that sure looks like a penis.
More Info: pcgamer.com