These are the tweets to tweet home about.
1. Remind me again later.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 30, 2015
2. Today is the day I stop eating beef.
Cows aren’t saying ‘moo’. They just run out of breath before they can say ‘Mulan was the best movie ever’
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) August 18, 2017
3. Only after the chant can the cavity fillings begin.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) August 17, 2017
4. *shouting* AND THE PINK FLOWERS ARE REMINISCENT TO THE WARTS THAT–
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) August 18, 2017
5. Coincidence? I think not.
ever since Vine was deleted this country has been going nowhere but downhill
— g r a c e (@gmcin) August 16, 2017
6. Damn, Shania.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
— vonts (@snow_van) August 17, 2017
7. He will never forgive you.
my ex was behind me in the popeyes drive thru and he screams out his window “you fucking lied about hating chicken bitch”
— Kenna (@kenna_alitz) August 17, 2017
8. That’s always a risk.
[holds up ring]
Will you marry me?
[slips ring on finger]
[she gains +2 intelligence and changes her mind]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) May 19, 2015
9. Very polite of him to warn of the athlete’s foot.
girls on tinder: let’s get coffee and go on a walk 💖😇✨
guys on tinder: wanna fuck in the backseat of my acura. also i have athlete’s foot
— meghan 🍋 3 (@sashavanders) August 16, 2017
10. And that was the end of this conversation.
Man on street: that’s a pretty dress
Me: thank you
Man: do you have a boy-
Me: I have a pistol in my purse.
— quinta b. (@quintabrunson) August 17, 2017
11. We were truly born in the wrong generation.
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like “yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it”
— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) August 16, 2017
More Info: www.collegehumor.com