I loved you with abandon. I thought you were going to become my husband. I thought we were going to live happily ever after. I had all of these ideas in my head about things we would do together. I told myself this was it, you were the one, I could stop looking because I had found my forever.
I was optimistic back then. Unrealistic. Naive.
I am not the same positive, bubbly girl I used to be when we first met. When I look through pictures and read old diary entries, I don’t even recognize that girl. I can’t remember a time when I felt like true love existed. I have gotten used to the way I am now, guarded and skeptical and expecting the worst.
I feel like circumstances have hardened me. They have turned me heartless. I only look out for myself now, I only think about myself, I only care about myself. I have low expectations for the people around me. I am careful about drawing anyone too close, about giving them too much trust, because they are bound to disappoint me in the end.
I am not the same girl who used to believe in fairy tales. Now, I believe everything ends. Nothing goes as planned. People will fuck you over. People will make you feel safe and secure, only to turn around and leave you floundering without them.
Now, I believe you can never be too careful. I listen to my head over my heart. I remain inside of my comfort zone. I never put myself out there. Whenever I develop feelings for someone, I remind myself that we might get along well now, but that is eventually going to change. Eventually they are going to leave because that is what always happens.
I should probably miss the girl I used to be, the girl with hope for her future, the girl with faith everything would work out perfectly — but I feel sorry for her. I pity her. She was only fooling herself. She was reaching for something she would never grasp.
I might come across as heartless now that I speak with sarcasm and push people away when they get too close, but I consider myself intelligent. Intelligent enough to keep my distance from the wrong people. Intelligent enough to realize promises are rarely kept.
I might look at the world in a dark way, but maybe that’s because we live in a dark world. Maybe that’s because I have been through so much bullshit that it’s difficult to ignore my cynical thoughts.
I want to love again. I want to develop a strong connection with someone. I want to feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be — but I don’t see the point in chasing after something temporary. I don’t know whether I can take another ending.
I am not the same girl who used to believe in fairy tales. That girl was only fooling herself. But then again, she was also happier than this.
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